The Road to Prison

Months into this journey.....this call. I just thought I'd join up, and be walking in those doors the next week. It doesn't work like that. There is much to do, and in my case, to un-do.

April: I began to vist my son's church, RMCC, very unaware it was to become my own new church
May & June: God began to lay prison ministry on my heart, then confirmed & convicted me
July 28th: CCES picnic where I shed secret tears leaving my 1st home church & family
August 13th: Application accepted with Daughters of Destiny and my first email to/from Jan with Prayer for Prisoners. I'm informed I need to get a Permenant Protective order removed before applying to Dept of Corrections, yet no idea where the person would be after 12 years
August 15th: visited CWC with Kyle and Kris who knew Becky Wayman of Daughters of Destiny, and I got to meet her face to face right then and there.
August 22nd: God, and God alone, leads me directly to Brenda, softens her heart, and allows me to make amends to her for hurt I'd caused
August 28th: my fingerprints taken at CSPD
August 29th: fingerprints sent to CBI
September: meeting Jan and Rick with Prayer for Prisoners and then later attending the fund raising banquet & hearing powerful testimonies from those who accepted Christ as prisoners
October 1st: finally received my criminal record back from CBI
October 4th: God answers a very specific prayer and opens doors at court for removing my restraining order
October 26th: The Permanent Protective Order was judged/ordered as follows:

 "Granted. PPO vacated, case dismissed without prejudice." Thank you, Lord.

Nov 9th Don applies/accepted at Prayer for Prisoners. Both of our applications are in the hands of the Dept of Corrections now. Their next training class is this Saturday Nov 17th, but I was told it may take 2 to 4 weeks for DOC to approve or deny application. Then I called DOC Faith ministry directly, meeting Jennifer who knew Jan and Pray for Prisoners. So much happened this day with Jan communicating with Jennifer also. We may be approved in only 4 days. Just praying for God's perfect timing and His will. There are felonies on our records so only God can open this door.
Nov 11th: I continue to grow closer to Alician & Theresa whom I correspond with in prison.I'm aware my struggles are nothing compared to what they face trying to follow and grow in the Lord in prison. But God is doing a work as one is now strong enough to attend church service ---a church service where there is danger, blatant sexual immorality, and great distractions. Yet she is willing to suffer this to worship the Lord. I wonder if I could or would.

Forward in Faith

Joy When Dying?

A long time & very close friend of mine asked me to share this publically. She's a therapist, has experienced great sorrow over the loss of her lab 5 years ago, and cried the whole time I shared the following. So I don't know the purpose of telling this event, but maybe it will have some type of meaning to someone. This happened a long time ago.

Sweet Sasha was a Golden Retriever mix I adopted from the pound even though dogs weren't allowed where I lived. I went directly to the landlord and told him the truth: that God had told me to save this dog. I expected to be kicked out but instead he shared that his parents were missionaries, that if God told me to, he'd have to honor that.

Sasha was only 6 months old but soon developed serious medical problems requiring expensive care and frequent steroid injections. In the summer, even weekly injections. From the beginning I was informed she would have a short life, develop Cushing's Disease, but we'd be able to keep her out of pain. All of this came true. But this is what I'm supposed to share....about her death.

Sasha often tried to swallow rawhide pieces too big for her throat so I'd have to finger sweep them out. But one day I coudn't reach it or see it. I could only hear the rasphy sound she made when one was stuck. So I took her in. While they were tending to her, Don and I sat in the car and spoke about the one day we'd be here and not come home with Sasha. That would sure be a sad day.The Vet came in to solemnly announce there was no rawhide but a cancerous tumor in her trachea, and she would die by suffocating. Nothing could save her life. The tumor was big enough that the slightest further growth would completely block her trachea. This slightest growth spurt could happen at any time so he suggested she be euthanized that day or the next if I needed to spend some time with her.

Even though we were both Christians and close friends, I immediately cussed Dr. Cor out. I pointed to the X-ray, screaming that this was a piece of rawhide, not a tumor, and it's in the esophagus, not the trachea! He was an incompetant blankety blank! I demanded he go get another of his associates to look at this and stormed out the door, exploding in a rage. I continued my tyrant with Don, angry that I would have to go down her throat myself to get the rawhide out!! A little while later I was motioned back inside and found two other Vets in the room with ridiculous grim faces. Yeah, Dr. Cor must have been too embarressed to come back & admit his mistake. But no, these two Vets were there to concur with him!! They were obviously as stupid as he was, and I told them so! But each held their ground, a strong stance, and firm tone. I began arguing with them, pointing out the rawhide inside the only tube you could see which was the esophagus. But they had books & pictures showing the trachea & esophagus and continued to explain how they knew it was a tumor in the trachea...and that kept saying "we're so sorry."

My anger was turning to great suffering quickly, and I collapsed to the floor wailing and now declaring this couldn't happen because she was supposed to die later...from the steriods, Cusging's, and we had planned on when would make the decision to let her go. I knew she would die soon but not today! I could not let her go right then & there, and in the same day? If I didn't, she could suffocate? Well, I certainly had to prevent that. Don handed me a book they'd given him with pictures of urns in it, and I could not see any of them clearly because I was crying too hard so I just pointed to one that showed you could slide a picture in the front of it. It happened to have been an urn of extravagant cost, but Don did not have the heart to say anything.

Dr. Cor and I had planned that when Sasha's time came, he'd come out to my home to euthanise her there. But he had a flight to Europe in the morning & could not possibly come. Another Vet would come instead. My emotions switched rapidly again...that he had promised! He'd said we'd go through this journey together to the end! I cared nothing about his inconvenience. It was him or no one, and he had given me his word! And being a man of his word, he agreed be there at 7 PM. I took Sweet Sasha and left, knowing she'd be dead by sunset. I only had a few hours. She only had a few hours left yet wagging her tail so happy and in no pain at all.....just a raspy sound breathing.

I just started thinking that I wanted her to be happy and enjoy this last day of her life. There was nothing more she loved than swimming so I asked Don to head to Ramah where she had swam many a day. Once, she had attempted to swim across the whole lake, turning only when I called her back. Another time at another lake, she jumped out of the boat we were in, insisting to swim instead. I'd pull her back in the boat, and she'd jump right back in the wate. The girl loved swimming! Ramah was quite a drive so we'd stop by our house in the country & grab a few things. But that never happened. Driving home, I saw the small lake I'd seen a hundred times on the way down a hill. We'd often commented what a beautiful home and land. I siddenly asked Don to turn in and found myself knocking on a stranger's door. When the man opened the door I stuttered trying to ask or explain why I was there. The tears began falling and all I could say was my dog was dying at sunset but she loves swimming. What a kind man who welcomed me and Sasha to enjoy his lake and to be careful of the muddy bottom.

I let Sasha out of the car, and she certainly beat me to the water, having no problem getting past the mud and beginning to swim. Never before had I been in a bathing suit to swim with her nor was I today. But today was special. Leaving my shoes, I trudged into the mud that was knee deep trying to get out further to swim. And that girl turned around and saw me coming in with her. She swam back for me. She was elated!

Sasha and I swam that entire lake, across it, back and forth and to inlets and under a little walking bridge. I'd swim behind her, she'd swim behind me,or we'd swim side by side. It was exilerating! We found a super thick marshy area and went trudging through it, just exploring things. I was just laughing and filled with such spontaneous day! I wanted her to go where ever she wanted so I followed her everywhere. We even found a pier and a boat and then a beautiful grotto of sorts where we rested awhile. Maybe she was tired, and it was time to go? No. Sasha was back in the lake swimming again so I followed again & knew I'd keep swimming as long as she wanted. I wanted to hold her in the water so I treaded water while her paws were on my ams. I swam backwards with her on my chest and was laughing how she was trying to kiss me while floating on me. Surely, we were going to drown together but having the time of our lives!

And I'll never forget experiencing that happiness even with death at her door that day. Even death could not rob us of this pure joy. We were oblivious of it. But......Sasha finally did stop swimming, and like usual, headed to the car to go home. Usually, she'd get bathed though she didn't like it so on this day, we just didn't bother with that. We cuddled up together in her bed and towel dried with massaging, scratching and kisses. People began arriving to say good-bye, show support, bring flowers. Candles were lite.My priest arrived and prayed over her. His wife cried with me. Sasha was tired from such a big day so she napped in my arms. I loved holding her and was singing/humming songs. She loved when I would sing. When Dr. Cor arrived, Sasha was excited for more company...so very cheerful...so very unaware. We played Patty Cake while Dr. Cor prepared his syringes. Sasha was being so silly and excited, waiting for the part where you "throw it in the oven just as fast as you can!" That's when I'd goose her in her tummy. There was nothing but unabandoned gaiety and jubilant bedlam!

We had to calm down some for Dr. Cor to get a vien. But I was still singing to her as she fell asleep so cozy and content in my arms. And then.......

Then Sasha was gone, wanted to keep holding her forever but knew Cor had to go. He still had to get her body back to the clinic. And the tears fell like a damn breaking.

But that is how Sweet Sasha died. That is what happened that day. There is no moral that I'm aware of. That she had a good death? That we go through so many emotions? That there can be joy in the face of death? I don't know. I was just told to share this.

I still drive by that lake and have happy memories when I pass it.

Lifting each other up

Today is one of those days --a day of familiar pain both in my body and heart. To say "it gets old" would be a huge understatement. And that insane question keeps trying to rear up in my head...why and what purpose is this serving, Lord? I can repeat Romans 8:28 forever but still wonder what possible way is my disability being used for good. But God knows my heart, my thoughts and struggles and is awesome in answering my many doubts.

Though I sometimes face major problems on Facebook, I found a note from a dear sister in Christ that was so incredibly encouraging. She said she had been thinking of me. I replied that I'd hoped it had been pleasant. Her response was "Of course! I'm having some trials and I was using you as a little inspiration:)"

Me? As an inspiration to anyone in any type trial? You bet. It's not b/c I'm a courageous or great woman in anyway. I am not. However, my heavenly Father can use any part of my life and walk with Him to inspire another with or without my knowledge. He can inspire, encourage, or lift up another in both my weakness and strength.

I needed to know this though. I really need to see that God can use me, even as messed up as I am, to help someone in anyway at at all. And then I began wondering how many others need to know God is using them also. There are so many people whose words & actions influence me so powerfully. Their very life and how they are dealing with trials gives me hope and strength. I see the Lord in them, how they are allowing Him to guide them and His words He gives them to pull them through. Often, I'm in that same spot so b/c they are sharing, I'm blessed also by what God is doing in their lives and what scripture & truth He provided.

I don't blog often but recently have done so about Baxter, keeping a lot of the "drama" off Facebook intentionally. I knew those closest to me were keeping up anyway & lifting us both in prayer. But today I was drawn to some one's blog I haven't checked in awhile. DRAWN. I wasn't checking anyone else's blogs at all. I was just pulled directly to this one person's latest blog entry. And I'm overwhelmed with how God has blessed me from what they chose to share. This is another sister in Christ but with far greater trials than myself, yet she knew it was all worth it if even one person was helped by her life.

I had to let her know that, yes! Yes, I'm one person feeling less alone and powerfully encouraged and inspired by what she is choosing to share. God have given her this scripture from Psalms: "Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up." Psalm 71:20 Though she'd read it many times, it came to her in a different way this day which she explained. I could not thank her enough b/c this scripture was new to me. I felt it was given to me also from the Lord in the exact timing I needed.

I'm just saying none of us knows how our actions and words can radically impact each other. But I see it working most from those who are transparent. The Lord shares with us: "Share each other's troubles and problems, and in this way obey the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:2 NLT) And there are countless scriptures & examples I've found on lifting each other up I've posted below. But what I'm saying is that I have to be willing to share my life. I have to choose to do this.

The person on Facebook CHOSE to share publicly that she was in a trial, and she CHOSE to share I'd inspired her. The person's blog I read CHOSE to share their trial and what God was doing to get them through and how and what they were learning on a painful journey.

I'm an open book about most things, but when it comes to the pain I face in my body, I often will remain private for good cause. I don't want to appear as feeling sorry for myself or that I'm complaining. I was raised to be stoic in suffering. However, God works most powerfully in my life when suffering, and there is so much He shows and teaches me. Why would I not share this when it could help someone else?

Maybe I will share more about the bad days and what God does for me through pain. I have to get over the fear of being judged by others, and just pray God uses it to touch whoever needs it. Honestly, I'm already judged in this world whether I speak or not.

So b/c of what God's shown me through these two women who CHOSE to share, I will also. And also b/c I've seen His power and guidance through so many other Christians who are transparent and have such an influence in my life, being vessels for God to flow through. Please know that when you're being open on the pulpit or in Bible study, whether on Facebook, your blog or on the phone, that YOU make a huge difference in my life! When you're authentic and humble enough to even admit you have struggles, I feel better! I feel better b/c I know I'm not alone! And however you're getting through it with God helps me.....b/c you're willing to share. I hate to use the word "admit," but that's how it feels sometimes. None of us have to "admit" we're struggling. In fact, if we're living for Christ, we should definitely be facing struggles & tests. You know what I mean. There really are people who believe you wouldn't be in such a way if you read your Bible more or you just need to spend more time with God.

Let me assure you that my infirmities do not exists from my lack of faith or as a consequence of sin

Anyway, I'm sharing about my infirmities so that, despite them, someone can learn God's compassion & power in the midst of storms. I'm not a theologian, but I know God uses trials to grow us up, draw us & keep near Him, teach us things we'd learn no other way. If I wasn't down today, I wouldn't have even been here to hear Him speak to me through others. When I say down, I mean it literally. When I wake up and feel instant pain from the slightest movement, that's when I'm gonna stay down at rest. Today is a perfect example of how God is interwoven in pain.

First, I have the choice to go to Him immediately for help as to what to do. I receive His assurance 100% and His instructions 100% as well. I knew without any doubt to cancel P.T. so I was not surprised when my therapist called me back and agreed. God's never wrong. Next was transferring out of the bed to the couch. This is when I get to see God's strength and not my own. People ask how I can be grateful for my disability. How could I not be? I get to see God's hand in my life & I get to spend my day with Him! I get to witness Him doing things that are impossible! This morning, it was feeding/medicating the dogs. Do you know how far it is from by bed to the kitchen? (Feels like a football field) So I can see first hand how nothing is impossible with Him. And what are the odds my helper would be here today? There are no odds with God. He knew I would need her to get me set up on the couch. When I say set up, I'm talking about anything & everything one would need or want next to your side, and the coffee table covered b/c I may end up stuck there for the whole day or days. So I get to see how God provides my every need and His perfect timing.

I don't watch TV during the day. I listen to Christian music. And Lo and Behold, God already had TWO Bibles on the Coffee table and one next to the couch. And wouldn't ya just know it? They are all 3 different versions! I love how He thinks of all this and has it in place for me. Not just 3 different Bibles, but one of my current Bible studies right there front and center. And a cordless phone that had been charged the day before along with a hairbrush. My TENS unit bag with everything in it including charged batteries. How can everything you need be within arm's reach already? How could I have possibly left each & every item in one place? I could not have. So I get to see God going ahead of me, knowing what's ahead and making these things happen. PROVIDING!

And I just spotted a case of blank CDs for recording. Yep, my hand grabber can reach 'em. So I can record music today which I love to do! And I keep my camera bedside where I am so often. It ends up there so I can upload to my laptop. But you guessed it. It's on the Coffee table too. And to think I was going to clear off this table last night. I could not muster the strength and left it for today. Thats GOD!

For me, my pain puts me in a circumstance to rely on Him. I MUST trust Him to care for me. He has shown me time and again that if I will submit to His Will and seek His instructions, He will provide and direct (straighten) my paths. My path was to the couch today. LOL Though I had some plans today, His plans were greater. And the Psalms 23 that He recently taught me? What perfect timing again. "The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul." I lack nothing. He made me lie down on the couch and led me to still/quiet waters and refreshed my soul through two sisters in Christ.

Last but far from least: Baxter has had to be kept immobilized and yet just yesterday--yesterday!--he saw the Vet and can now care for himself today. I'm enjoying him play with the others. I would have missed this had I been up and left today. I also could not have tended to him had he needed it.

And this is just one day; an example of how God works in my own trials that I pray will help someone. And for fun, I'm adding a picture of my Coffee table. Can you see all that I shared God had supplied besides the camera? Tens, Bibles, Bible studies, hairbrush and CDs to record? It's not a mess at all. It's a God send! LOL And yeah, that's Baxter bringing me a bottle of pills in his mouth. Isn't it neat that God knows what you're gonna need, when you'll need it and how He'll provide it? This dog could not walk a week ago!!!

1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing. 1 Corinthians 14:26 What then, brothers? When you come together, each one has a hymn, a lesson, a revelation, a tongue, or an interpretation. Let all things be done for building up. Hebrews 10:25 Not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. Hebrews 10:24-25 And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

NO MORE!

Time for a change of scenery. Baxter can recover just as well in the living room. Thankful the Lord is answering prayers while we wait. This was a great idea, Father.

Baxter & Waiting upon the Lord

Drainage tubes and their sutures removed today. I couldn't believe the gouges the tubes left & to remain open. Back to waiting for these secondary wounds to heal & still more time for his big wound to heal before those stitches come out. I don't know what to do for him. He is bored-confined and bored.

When you do not know what to do-wait.

I.Watching is needed to wait on the Lord?

A. Patience. -Heb 10:35 (KJV) Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompense of reward. 36 For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.

B. Keep praying. 1 Th 5:17 (KJV) Pray without ceasing.

C. Keep believing. Mark 9:23 (KJV) Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.

D. Keep knocking. Matt. 7:7 Ask, and it shall begiven you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: 8For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

E. The trouble with nearly everybody who
prays is that he says "Amen" and runs away before God has a chance to reply.
Listening to God is far more important than giving him your ideas. -
Frank C. Laubach

II. We must mount up and rise up. -Eph 2:6
(KJV) And hath raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus:

A. Our position is in, with and sitting in heavenly places with Him. He is our lawyer, advocate
and intercessor in heaven for us.

B. Everything is under His feet and we are sitting with Him, everything then is under our feet.

C. Simply wait on him. So doing, we shall be directed, supplied, protected, corrected, and
rewarded.

III. We must keep running and we will not be weary.
-Hebrews 12:1-2 (KJV) 1 Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about
with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin
which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set
before us, 2 Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for
the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is
set down at the right hand of the throne of
God.

A. We must run the race and looking to Him keeps us going.
-1 Cor 9:24 (KJV) Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but
one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain. -1 Cor 9:26 (KJV) I
therefore so run, not as uncertainly; so fight I, not as one that beateth the
air: -Gal 2:2 (KJV) And I went up by revelation, and communicated unto
them that gospel which I preach among the Gentiles, but privately to them which
were of reputation, lest by any means I should run, or had run, in vain.
-Phil 2:16 (KJV) Holding forth the word of life; that I may rejoice in the day
of Christ, that I have not run in vain, neither laboured in vain. -2 Tim
4:7 (KJV) I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the
faith:

IV. Walk not faint.

A. We can only do this by walking in faith, which is walking in His Word. -2 Corinthians 5:7 (KJV) (For we walk by faith, not by sight:)Second only to suffering, waiting may be the
greatest teacher and trainer in godliness, maturity, and genuine spirituality most of us ever encounter.

IS IT TIME YET?

Baxter's Road to Recovery Begins

I've seen some ugly dog fights but am still surprised how vicious they are and of the damage they can inflict.

Baxter's right rear leg was bit and pulled with such force, it actually separated the skin from the tissue, leaving an 8 inch pocket of loose skin. Here is the top of the torn hamstring, and the skin lifts up around it.



The draining tube goes straight into the pocket where the skin is not attached to the tissue.It extends outward & down to the incision. Internally, there are continuous stitches from the hamstring to the quad on the other side.

Another tube for draining the quad muscle also torn.

The first movement from Baxter to try and help me clean, but it was only a moment before his head hit the pillow again.

"I dressed him-God healed him." (Socrates)

Camping out with Baxter

Baxter in my "Recovery" ward just home from surgery

Finally got him turned

God's mercy at work ....Baxter sleeping & no pain.

1 week kenneled or immobile--another week before he goes back & can have tubes removed and sutures. I don't kennel so this will just be a modified bivouac.

If you're here, say a prayer for my Beagle boy. Thank you.