A long time & very close friend of mine asked me to share this publically. She's a therapist, has experienced great sorrow over the loss of her lab 5 years ago, and cried the whole time I shared the following. So I don't know the purpose of telling this event, but maybe it will have some type of meaning to someone. This happened a long time ago.
Sweet Sasha was a Golden Retriever mix I adopted from the pound even though dogs weren't allowed where I lived. I went directly to the landlord and told him the truth: that God had told me to save this dog. I expected to be kicked out but instead he shared that his parents were missionaries, that if God told me to, he'd have to honor that.
Sasha was only 6 months old but soon developed serious medical problems requiring expensive care and frequent steroid injections. In the summer, even weekly injections. From the beginning I was informed she would have a short life, develop Cushing's Disease, but we'd be able to keep her out of pain. All of this came true. But this is what I'm supposed to share....about her death.
Sasha often tried to swallow rawhide pieces too big for her throat so I'd have to finger sweep them out. But one day I coudn't reach it or see it. I could only hear the rasphy sound she made when one was stuck. So I took her in. While they were tending to her, Don and I sat in the car and spoke about the one day we'd be here and not come home with Sasha. That would sure be a sad day.The Vet came in to solemnly announce there was no rawhide but a cancerous tumor in her trachea, and she would die by suffocating. Nothing could save her life. The tumor was big enough that the slightest further growth would completely block her trachea. This slightest growth spurt could happen at any time so he suggested she be euthanized that day or the next if I needed to spend some time with her.
Even though we were both Christians and close friends, I immediately cussed Dr. Cor out. I pointed to the X-ray, screaming that this was a piece of rawhide, not a tumor, and it's in the esophagus, not the trachea! He was an incompetant blankety blank! I demanded he go get another of his associates to look at this and stormed out the door, exploding in a rage. I continued my tyrant with Don, angry that I would have to go down her throat myself to get the rawhide out!! A little while later I was motioned back inside and found two other Vets in the room with ridiculous grim faces. Yeah, Dr. Cor must have been too embarressed to come back & admit his mistake. But no, these two Vets were there to concur with him!! They were obviously as stupid as he was, and I told them so! But each held their ground, a strong stance, and firm tone. I began arguing with them, pointing out the rawhide inside the only tube you could see which was the esophagus. But they had books & pictures showing the trachea & esophagus and continued to explain how they knew it was a tumor in the trachea...and that kept saying "we're so sorry."
My anger was turning to great suffering quickly, and I collapsed to the floor wailing and now declaring this couldn't happen because she was supposed to die later...from the steriods, Cusging's, and we had planned on when would make the decision to let her go. I knew she would die soon but not today! I could not let her go right then & there, and in the same day? If I didn't, she could suffocate? Well, I certainly had to prevent that. Don handed me a book they'd given him with pictures of urns in it, and I could not see any of them clearly because I was crying too hard so I just pointed to one that showed you could slide a picture in the front of it. It happened to have been an urn of extravagant cost, but Don did not have the heart to say anything.
Dr. Cor and I had planned that when Sasha's time came, he'd come out to my home to euthanise her there. But he had a flight to Europe in the morning & could not possibly come. Another Vet would come instead. My emotions switched rapidly again...that he had promised! He'd said we'd go through this journey together to the end! I cared nothing about his inconvenience. It was him or no one, and he had given me his word! And being a man of his word, he agreed be there at 7 PM. I took Sweet Sasha and left, knowing she'd be dead by sunset. I only had a few hours. She only had a few hours left yet wagging her tail so happy and in no pain at all.....just a raspy sound breathing.
I just started thinking that I wanted her to be happy and enjoy this last day of her life. There was nothing more she loved than swimming so I asked Don to head to Ramah where she had swam many a day. Once, she had attempted to swim across the whole lake, turning only when I called her back. Another time at another lake, she jumped out of the boat we were in, insisting to swim instead. I'd pull her back in the boat, and she'd jump right back in the wate. The girl loved swimming! Ramah was quite a drive so we'd stop by our house in the country & grab a few things. But that never happened. Driving home, I saw the small lake I'd seen a hundred times on the way down a hill. We'd often commented what a beautiful home and land. I siddenly asked Don to turn in and found myself knocking on a stranger's door. When the man opened the door I stuttered trying to ask or explain why I was there. The tears began falling and all I could say was my dog was dying at sunset but she loves swimming. What a kind man who welcomed me and Sasha to enjoy his lake and to be careful of the muddy bottom.
I let Sasha out of the car, and she certainly beat me to the water, having no problem getting past the mud and beginning to swim. Never before had I been in a bathing suit to swim with her nor was I today. But today was special. Leaving my shoes, I trudged into the mud that was knee deep trying to get out further to swim. And that girl turned around and saw me coming in with her. She swam back for me. She was elated!
Sasha and I swam that entire lake, across it, back and forth and to inlets and under a little walking bridge. I'd swim behind her, she'd swim behind me,or we'd swim side by side. It was exilerating! We found a super thick marshy area and went trudging through it, just exploring things. I was just laughing and filled with such spontaneous day! I wanted her to go where ever she wanted so I followed her everywhere. We even found a pier and a boat and then a beautiful grotto of sorts where we rested awhile. Maybe she was tired, and it was time to go? No. Sasha was back in the lake swimming again so I followed again & knew I'd keep swimming as long as she wanted. I wanted to hold her in the water so I treaded water while her paws were on my ams. I swam backwards with her on my chest and was laughing how she was trying to kiss me while floating on me. Surely, we were going to drown together but having the time of our lives!
And I'll never forget experiencing that happiness even with death at her door that day. Even death could not rob us of this pure joy. We were oblivious of it. But......Sasha finally did stop swimming, and like usual, headed to the car to go home. Usually, she'd get bathed though she didn't like it so on this day, we just didn't bother with that. We cuddled up together in her bed and towel dried with massaging, scratching and kisses. People began arriving to say good-bye, show support, bring flowers. Candles were lite.My priest arrived and prayed over her. His wife cried with me. Sasha was tired from such a big day so she napped in my arms. I loved holding her and was singing/humming songs. She loved when I would sing. When Dr. Cor arrived, Sasha was excited for more company...so very cheerful...so very unaware. We played Patty Cake while Dr. Cor prepared his syringes. Sasha was being so silly and excited, waiting for the part where you "throw it in the oven just as fast as you can!" That's when I'd goose her in her tummy. There was nothing but unabandoned gaiety and jubilant bedlam!
We had to calm down some for Dr. Cor to get a vien. But I was still singing to her as she fell asleep so cozy and content in my arms. And then.......
Then Sasha was gone, wanted to keep holding her forever but knew Cor had to go. He still had to get her body back to the clinic. And the tears fell like a damn breaking.
But that is how Sweet Sasha died. That is what happened that day. There is no moral that I'm aware of. That she had a good death? That we go through so many emotions? That there can be joy in the face of death? I don't know. I was just told to share this.
I still drive by that lake and have happy memories when I pass it.
